Skip to main content
← Browse Topics

The 36 questions to fall in love: what they are and how to use them

Arthur Aron's study explained, the complete list, and why they work just as well after years together as they do with a stranger

Where these questions came from

In 1997, social psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues at Stony Brook University published a study titled "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness." The premise was deceptively simple: could you engineer closeness between strangers in a lab, and if so, what would that process look like?

The answer involved pairs of strangers working through a series of 36 questions designed to escalate gradually in depth and personal disclosure. By the end of the exercise, participants consistently reported feeling significantly closer to their partner than control groups who'd spent the same amount of time in small talk. One pair from the study later got married.

The study stayed largely academic until January 2015, when Mandy Len Catron wrote a Modern Love column for the New York Times titled "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." It went viral almost immediately. Suddenly millions of people knew about the 36 questions, and the study that had collected dust for nearly two decades became one of the most-referenced pieces of relationship psychology in popular culture.

Here's what most articles about the 36 questions get wrong: the study was about creating closeness, not manufacturing romantic love. Aron was explicit about this distinction. The questions produce mutual vulnerability and sustained attention, which are the conditions where closeness grows. What happens after that depends on the people involved.

Why they work

Graduated self-disclosure

The 36 questions are divided into three sets, each deeper than the last. You don't open with "What is your most treasured memory?" You start with "Would you like to be famous? In what way?" and work toward the harder stuff. That progression matters. By the time you reach the questions that require real vulnerability, you've already built the micro-trust that makes vulnerability feel safer.

Most conversations don't do this. They either stay shallow indefinitely or lurch into deep territory without the groundwork, which makes people defensive. The Aron questions are paced like a good conversation should be but rarely is.

Mutual vulnerability as a bonding mechanism

The questions only work if both people answer them. This isn't incidental. When you share something vulnerable and the other person shares something equally vulnerable in return, your nervous systems both register: this person is not a threat. They showed me something real. I showed them something real. That reciprocal exposure is one of the core mechanisms of human bonding.

It's why therapists don't self-disclose in sessions. The asymmetry prevents bonding. The Aron protocol enforces symmetry.

Sustained mutual attention

The exercise requires that both people are fully present for the duration. No phones. No half-listening while thinking about your own answer. The questions demand that you actually hear your partner's response before you give yours. That quality of attention, sustained for 90 minutes, is something most couples haven't given each other in years.

Set I: The warm-up

These questions open the conversation and start building the habit of honest, specific answers. Don't rush them.

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II: Going deeper

This is where the conversation starts to shift. Answers here require more thought and more honesty. Give each one the time it deserves.

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III: The real ones

These are the questions most people remember. By now, you've built enough trust to answer them honestly. Take your time with each one.

  1. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
  2. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

The part most articles leave out

Aron's original protocol ended with four minutes of silent mutual eye contact. Most articles about the 36 questions either skip this entirely or mention it as a footnote. It's not a footnote.

The sustained gaze intensifies everything the questions have built. After 90 minutes of meaningful conversation, four minutes of unbroken eye contact with someone you care about is unexpectedly powerful. Many people report that it's the part that made them cry, or the part they found themselves thinking about afterward.

You don't have to do it. But if you've done the questions and you want the full experience Aron designed, this is part of it. Set a timer. Hold each other's gaze. Let it be awkward for the first minute. It usually stops being awkward.

How to use these if you're already together

The questions were originally designed for strangers, but the research holds for established couples too. If anything, the effect can be more striking. Partners who've been together for years often know each other's preferences, habits, and history, but have stopped exploring each other's inner worlds. These questions go places that most long-term conversations don't.

A few adjustments help when you're not strangers. Question 8 asks you to name three things you and your partner appear to have in common, but you probably know dozens. Instead of the surface-level version, try naming three things you share that you've never said out loud. Question 23, about your relationship with your mother, hits differently when your partner already knows the story, so go deeper than the facts. Tell them how it still affects you now.

The most common thing long-term couples say after doing these questions: "I can't believe I didn't know that about you." After years together, that should feel impossible. It usually doesn't.

How to actually do this

Pick the right setting

Not the couch with the TV on standby. Somewhere you can both give full attention, ideally with a little natural intimacy built in: a quiet restaurant, a long drive, a night in with phones in another room. The questions do more when the environment signals "this matters."

Both people answer every question

This is non-negotiable for the exercise to work. If one person asks and the other answers but doesn't receive the same question back, you've broken the reciprocity that makes mutual vulnerability possible. Take turns. Actually listen while the other person answers before you give your version.

Don't try to do all 36 in one hour

The original study sessions ran about 45 minutes for each pair. That's 36 questions with answers from two people in 45 minutes, which works out to about 75 seconds per answer. For the questions to do what they're supposed to do, you need more than that. Let certain questions breathe. It's fine to stop partway through and continue another time.

When a question gets heavy

It will happen, especially in Set III. Question 30 (when you last cried) and question 33 (what you'd most regret not saying before you died) have a way of surfacing things people haven't said in a while. Let that happen. You don't have to fix it or smooth it over. That's often where the real connection is.

More ways to go deeper

If these questions resonated, there's more to explore. The interactive question sets below are built in the same spirit: graduated depth, real answers, no small talk.

Common questions about the 36 questions

Do the 36 questions actually make you fall in love?

Not exactly. Arthur Aron's study found they reliably create closeness between strangers, but falling in love involves attraction, timing, and mutual openness that no set of questions can guarantee. What they do consistently is accelerate vulnerability and mutual self-disclosure, which are necessary conditions for love. The closeness is real. The love part is up to you.

Can couples who are already together use these questions?

Yes, and in some ways it works better. Established partners often know each other's facts but have stopped exploring each other's inner worlds. These questions go past facts into values, fears, gratitude, and reflection, which are the things long-term couples tend to stop asking about. Many people who've been together for years find the questions genuinely surprising.

How long does it take to go through all 36 questions?

About 90 minutes to two hours if you're taking it seriously and not rushing. The original study used timed sessions. In practice, couples often pause on certain questions and talk for twenty minutes on one answer, which is the point. You don't have to do all 36 in one sitting.

Do you have to do them in order?

The order matters more than it seems. The questions are grouped into three sets that progressively increase in depth and vulnerability. Starting with Set III would feel abrupt. Starting from the beginning and moving through the sets lets the dynamic build naturally, which is part of why the exercise works.

What is the eye-gazing part at the end?

After the 36 questions, Aron's original protocol included four minutes of silent mutual eye contact with a stranger. It sounds awkward because it is, and that's intentional. The sustained gaze creates a moment of wordless attention that intensifies the emotional connection built through the questions. With a long-term partner, it often lands as surprisingly moving.

If you want to take these conversations further with professional support, Online-Therapy.com makes couples therapy accessible from home. (Affiliate link — we may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.)