35 Questions About Bids for Connection

The small moments that build or break relationships

What Are Bids For Connection?

A bid for connection is any attempt one partner makes to get the other's attention or create a moment together. Your partner points out something they noticed and says "Look at that." You ask how their day was. Someone makes a joke hoping the other will laugh. You reach for your partner's hand. These are all bids for connection.

The fascinating thing about bids is that they're constant. Couples make thousands of them a day. And the research is clear: whether a couple stays connected or drifts apart often comes down to how many bids they turn toward and how many they turn away from.

This isn't about making grand gestures or even having long conversations. It's about the micro-moments. When your partner tries to share something and you put your phone down. When they make a bid for physical affection and you reciprocate. When they're trying to tell you about their day and you're actually listening. Each time you turn toward a bid, you're voting for connection. Each time you turn away, you're voting the other direction.

The couples who feel most connected aren't the ones having the best dates or the most sex. They're the ones who turn toward the small bids. They're present for the ordinary moments. That's where real intimacy lives.

How to Use These

✓ These questions are about recognizing bids, making them, and responding to them
✓ Some might feel vulnerable. That's the point.
✓ You might discover patterns you didn't know existed
✓ Pick the ones that resonate, skip the ones that don't
✓ These work best when both of you are willing to be honest

The Questions

1. When you make a bid for my attention, how do you usually do it?

💭 A bid might be asking a question, pointing something out, or just wanting to share a moment.

2. What's something small I do that makes you feel wanted?

💭 Not a big gesture. A small thing.

3. Do you feel like I notice when you're trying to connect with me?

💭 Or do I often miss it?

4. When you reach out and I'm distracted, how does that feel?

💭 Be honest about whether it bothers you.

5. What's a time recently where I turned toward you when you made a bid for connection?

💭 What made that moment feel good?

6. How do you usually respond when I try to connect with you?

💭 Do I feel how you're receiving me?

7. What kind of bids for connection do you make most often?

💭 Humor, serious conversation, physical affection, wanting to share an observation?

8. Have I ever missed a bid for connection and later realized it?

💭 What happened when you mentioned it to me?

9. When I'm on my phone or distracted, do you try harder to get my attention or do you give up?

💭 What usually happens next?

10. What does it feel like when I turn away from a bid for connection?

💭 Do you keep trying or do you shut down?

11. Is there a time of day when you feel more likely to make bids for connection?

💭 When am I most receptive to them?

12. Do you feel like I'm trying to connect with you as much as you're trying to connect with me?

💭 Or does it feel one-sided?

13. What's something you wanted to share with me recently but didn't?

💭 Why didn't you?

14. When I make a bid for connection and you respond, what do I do that feels good?

💭 What makes you feel like I actually want to connect?

15. How often do you feel genuinely seen by me?

💭 Like I actually get what you're trying to say or share.

16. Do you think I'm aware of how much I turn toward or away from your bids?

💭 Do you think this is something I understand about myself?

17. What's a bid for connection that I miss a lot?

💭 Is there a pattern to when I don't notice?

18. When you feel disconnected from me, is it usually because of one big thing or lots of small missed moments?

💭 What's usually the straw that breaks it?

19. Do you ever bid for connection just to test whether I'll turn toward you?

💭 What are you actually checking?

20. How do you feel when I make the first bid for connection?

💭 Relief, surprise, joy?

21. Is there a way I could show up for your bids that would feel even better?

💭 What would actually mean something to you?

22. Do you make different kinds of bids depending on what you think I'll respond to?

💭 Are you editing yourself?

23. When I turn toward your bid, what happens inside you?

💭 How does it change your mood or your day?

24. Have you ever felt like I don't know how to respond to what you're offering?

💭 Like I don't quite get what you need from the moment?

25. What would it feel like if I turned toward every bid for connection you made?

💭 Is that even something you want?

26. Do you feel like your bids for connection have changed since early in our relationship?

💭 Are you more careful now, or more confident?

27. When you're feeling disconnected, what kind of bid are you most likely to make?

💭 Is it different from when you're feeling close?

28. How much of your sense of safety in this relationship depends on me turning toward your bids?

💭 What does it tell you when I do or don't?

29. Is there a bid for connection that you've stopped making because I haven't responded well to it?

💭 Would you want to try again?

30. When I make a bid and you don't respond, what do you think is happening?

💭 What story do you tell yourself about it?

31. What would help me be better at noticing and responding to your bids?

💭 Do you need me to be more present, more aware, or something else?

32. How often in a day do you actually feel like we connected?

💭 Even in small ways.

33. Are there times when you're making a bid for connection but I think you're asking for something else?

💭 What's the disconnect?

34. If I were more responsive to your bids, what would be different in how you feel about us?

💭 What would change?

35. What's the smallest bid for connection that would still feel meaningful to you?

💭 It doesn't have to be big to matter.

Why Bids Matter More Than You Think

The research on bids for connection comes from John Gottman, who spent decades studying what actually predicts whether couples stay together or break up. The answer isn't about passion or communication skills or how much conflict you have. It's about bids.

Every interaction is an opportunity. Your partner makes a bid, and you either turn toward it (giving attention, responding, engaging) or away from it (staying distracted, ignoring, brushing it off). This happens hundreds of times a day. Over time, the ratio matters. Couples who stay connected turn toward the bids. Couples who drift don't.

The tricky part is that most people don't know they're doing it. You're not making a conscious decision to turn away. You're just busy, or tired, or distracted by your phone. But your partner experiences it as rejection. And when the bids start getting rejected consistently, they stop making them. That's when couples report feeling disconnected even though they can't quite name why.

These questions help you reverse that process. They let you understand what bids you're making and not making. What patterns exist. Whether you're asking for what you need and whether your partner is aware of what you're offering. Sometimes just having that awareness is enough to shift things. You realize you've been turning away without meaning to, and you start turning toward more consciously.

Understanding what creates real intimacy

Intimacy isn't built through big moments. It's built through turning toward the small ones. These questions help you see where you might be missing opportunities to connect.