Conflict Style Questions for Couples

Most conflict conversations happen in the heat of things, which is exactly when people are least able to hear each other clearly. By talking about conflict styles outside of an argument, you build a kind of shared map that both of you can refer back to when things are actually hard.

What tends to come out of questions like these is specific and usable. 'I need to take a break and come back to it, but I will come back' is something a partner can work with. 'I grew up in a house where conflict meant someone was getting hurt, so any raised voice puts me on edge' explains a pattern that would otherwise seem like an overreaction.

The honest reflection questions tend to produce the most important answers. Most of us carry some awareness of our own less-flattering conflict habits. Naming those things directly, in a non-defensive context, is surprisingly difficult. But when both people can do it, it creates a kind of accountability that helps.